Being ill has made me do a lot of thinking.
Majority of the time I am alone and have so much time to think and of course, over- analyze. But.. There is something about being absolutely miserable that opens up a whole new vortex of the brain. As if things couldn’t be shitty enough whilst popping nyquil pills and sleeping all day right? I have noticed that It opens up negative things, very negative things. Feelings of regret, loneliness, sadness even. why not right? you are already feeling like crap, you’re vulnerable. Let’s think about everything bad that has led up to this. Oh, the human brain, what a crazy little bastard you are.
It is 2014
As humans we naturally like to set high expectations for everything, which is good! except for when we set the bar too high on things that do not matter. Such as the man you adore not bending over backwards to grab your attention, or the perfect picture to catch your most beautiful features. Or even worrying about what people think about you.
Those things matter to me.
I was hoping this year would be a clean slate, as we all like to call it. But I have subconsciously set the bar too high. I have been too hard on myself for things I can not control. I kept cursing that I must of done something wrong with Karma for her to present such negativity my way. I was researching in my head all of the things I have done wrong to give some sort truth to what is going on.
Tonight, I went to Walgreens to get a huge bottle of robutussen to soothe all my misery. upon arrival, I was all ready to check out when I realized I forgot my credit card. Leaving dissatisfied, I screamed in the bloody cold weather, “what did I do to deserve this!’ in a funny, fuck my life kinda way. My sister was like “dude, that’s life” and then it hit me. that is life. Life is not always what you want it to be. Things do not always go as planned. It is crazy to think how little control you have over such a bigger picture.
The good news is! You do have control over your thoughts, actions, feelings.
Feeling temporary sadness does a powerful thing. It distracts you from the light, pulls you into the darkness where you can not see any sort of ray of hope. It is very welcoming in a sense; where you can feel miserable and seek comfort in it. It opens up a door that shuts immediately upon entering and you do not even look back.
But I will never give in. Even as I am lying on my death bed with possibly the flu, I have to see the bigger picture: SHIT HAPPENS! that’s really all it is.
My sister and I were chilling in the kitchen after our Walgreens trip and I said fuck it, grabbed a thing of minced garlic, took a huge ass spoonful, and ate it. She looked at me with complete horror. Hours later. I actually feel A LOT better. (natural remedies and such) But guess what “LIFE?”
I will choose how I deal with the hand I am dealt. I will be strong and take control and not let some boy or the idea of failing control my life. I will not feel inferior just because of a couple things did not go according to ‘plan.’
I choose happiness.